Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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