I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
