dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
