she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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