he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just gift wrapped bread.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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