The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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