where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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