Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
