Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
