Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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