What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
