it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
