So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
