someone threw a dead crab at me
id be glad to
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
