It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
