1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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