The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently you make a good broom.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
