Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
