I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
