You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
