dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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