When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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