So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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