Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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