I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
