Fine. I'll sleep in my office
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
