My room smells like vodka and shame
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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