You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
