Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
