There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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