i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
