You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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