I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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