His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
