dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.