OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
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i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
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ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.