How has he not realized you're pregnant?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.