your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
