Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
