Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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