Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
