dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
