Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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