Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
