I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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