So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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