Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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