a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
