Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
