Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
