can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
