walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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