It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize