Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
